I was in the grocery store the other day and I came across an ornament all by itself. It was simple and inexpensive. It was a chrome-plated word. It said HOPE. I bought it.

Last night I had a dream. In the dream I held the decoration and it came apart in my hands. It really sums up how my life has been the last two years. Hope. Broken.

Of course when I got up it was still in one piece. I have hung it near my computer and this little word is going to help me make some changes this year.

• I am going to leave my job. They have been stringing me along for over a year now and I see now that they have no intentions of promoting a woman. I am not going to quit until I have other things well in place but I will be quitting.




• I am going to stop closing doors on relationships. I have been asked out a lot but I always come up with an excuse as to why I should not be dating. I am just going to see where this leads.

Every single one of your comments brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. I love each of you and feel honoured that you took the time to send encouragement my way.

I have decided one thing since my last post. On January 2nd I am going to call the college and make an appointment with the admissions counselor. The worst I can be told is no which will put me in the same boat I am in now. I have to do something. I have to at least try.

My concerns at this time is the inability to get a student loan after declaring bankruptcy after buying a leaky condo. There is no way around this one. I simply do not qualify. My other concern is how I can afford to live and go to school at the same time. The bank who holds my mortgage (they let me keep the leaky condo being the nice people that they are) and other bill collectors simply do not accept that I am working to improve myself and will pay when I am done school as a viable reason not to pay them. In fact, as of yet, I have never heard of a valid excuse to get out of paying bills!

However, I am going to talk to the college. I want to possibly take the Medical Transcription course. I am already a Resident Care Attendant but I am not able to do the shift work hours that they require. I graduated with a 4.0 in that course so I know will have no problems with being admitted. I have to trust God on this one. I know He doesn't want me to be this unhappy.

I am thinking it may be time to give up blogging but something keeps me here. My posts are getting fewer and further between and when I do post it is lacking. Day after day I watch the cursor blinking at me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

It feels like I am waiting for my life to go somewhere. I am terribly unhappy at my job. It is so bad that I can't eat when I am at work because my stomach is upset from stress the moment I walk in the door. I want to go back to school.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I am going through another stage of being weary of being single. If one more person tells me that it will happen when I stop looking I just may smack them. That is a total bunch of crap because I wasn't looking for over a year. I didn't want to be in a relationship a the time so how the hell can it happen when I am not looking?

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I can't seem to save even a few dollars from each pay cheque. It is hard to be unjealous of the people I know that have such big homes. My son, daughter and I grew out of this tiny 2-bedroom a long time ago. My kids needs a room to themselves now. There is no hope that I will ever be able to have that.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And I feel so wretchedly ungrateful to have any of these feelings. The world is a big place and my problems are insignificant.

But.

Waiting.

Waiting

Waiting.

The cursor keeps blinking...

Flirting 101 or How to Get a Free Box of Ferrero Rocher All to Yourself.

This afternoon a Sales Rep came into the office. And you all know what time of the year it is! Yes! A time for Chocolate! He came in with a box of doughnuts (Tim Horton's!) and a box of Ferrero Rocher. He walked up to the desk and I said in a rather loud voice, "Ferrero Rocher! Mmmm!" He laughed and asked to speak to the manager. While he was waiting I told him I would marry him if he offered me a box. He laughed and blushed.

He left and came back into the office a few minutes later and called me aside. He handed me my own box Ferrero Rocher and quietly left the building.

Someone sent me this and I thought I would share it. This isn't meant to depress you but I dare you to get through it without crying.
Lets just remember to pray for those less fortunate this year.

http://www.vidilife.com/video_play_143935_happy_Christmas_war_is_over_.htm

Will post about my staff party later. Still really tired from going to bed after 3:30!

This little creature is a Warm Fuzzie. Why? Because I had the nicest compliment today. I ran into a girl I went to college with and she looked me up and down and said, "You look great!". (Me- stunned) We chatted a bit then she went on to say how well I aged. (Me- speechless).

It was so nice to hear that. I have been feeling rather haggard lately. I know, I know I am only 35 but I am nowhere as thin as I once was and definitely not as cute.

I was so grateful for her kind words. I am quite honestly walking on air tonight.

~~

In other news. Staff Christmas party tonight. Pictures to come.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.
I will not get drunk.
I will not get drunk.

but I know I will...

Update
So very tired. So hungover. No post today,

This last year has been financially tight. Don't get me wrong. I keep my bills paid and food in the cupboard. I was beginning to stress because I have less than $75.00 in my bank account right now. I thought I had finished Christmas shopping but I hadn't. When I went through the presents I had been stashing throughout the year I realized I only had one present for my son and a few stocking stuffers! How could I have been so neglectful as to totally overlook my kids? I didn't know what to do. I have been feeling embarrassed. I talked to the kids two days ago and told them that I just want going to be able to do a lot this year for Christmas. It was humiliating.

This afternoon at work I found a strange looking package in my pigeon-hole. When I unwrapped it I found this.

I am not sure who put it there. Whoever is was wished to remain anonymous. The nice thing is I work with so many truly amazing people it could have been one of several.

I am grateful today for gifts from 'Santa' but moreover, being loved by coworkers.

I received word this week that my uncle died suddenly. He had been diagnosed with cancer in the summer but was going to the cancer clinic and doing well. He had returned to work but got pneumonia suddenly last Wednesday. He was admitted to hospital and was going to come home on Saturday. On Friday my aunt got a call that he had suddenly took a turn for the worse. She came to his side and surrounded by his family he died on Saturday.He was still young, in his early 60's. I had not seen him much in the last few years. Families grow and drift in different directions. But I remember a handsome man that always took the time to give me a hug and never stopped calling me Barbie. I am going to miss just knowing he was around.This is for you Uncle. You made my world a better place. I love you.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Is anybody able to tell me why my body feels the need to take the biggest shit of the month when I am at the mall? I'm just sayin'.

I don't know. Maybe it is just me that these things happen to.

Aren't weekends wonderful? I work Tuesday to Saturday and have Sunday and Monday off. I love Sunday and Monday. I can be a lady of leisure. I sleep late on Sunday and shuffle around in my bathrobe most of the day. I don't answer the phone and I watch videos in bed.

I am feeling better since I started taking Thyroid medication. I am not 100 % but pretty close and that is saying a lot. My resting heart rate is still very fast and I will pursue this in the new year. Last doctors visit my doctor said she was hearing a soft 'click' but it was not a reason for a major concern.

I am now counting down to my holidays. Yes indeed folks! It is that time of the year again! Only 20 days until I am off, off, off for two full weeks! Yay! I get to spend two weeks with the two people I love the most. How can I ask for anything more?

Well, I am cold (sitting next to the window) so I am going to crawl into bed and just R-E-L-A-X!

Because of the snow I took two days off this week so I am working from home to catch up. I now look at this pile of filing and I think maybe it wasn't such a good idea! However, we are going to put aside work for tonight and go a light-up festival! Yay!


Update - I am back from the Christmas light-up and working now. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now I don't want to be working. I am cold and want to go have a bath. There are two cats that want to be petted and I just can't ignore them can I? I guess I really shouldn't be blogging eh? OK..back to work!

Another Update- I am finished now and only got distracted once for the above post. I have a nice Hot Chocolate with mini marshmallows and it is warming my hands and tummy! Mmmm. It doesn't get much better than this.